CONFESSIONAL POEM [for alp] (COMPLETED)

CONFESSIONAL POEM

[for alp]

strangely i once thought you a strange thing-

it was hard to say if you would take this page

and rip it and my thoughts of futures uncertain

or take it to your lips and breasts

our words appeared on screens, left alone

for us and the entire world to see

(i knew not what i was doing

but you knew what you were grasping the whole time)

i did not lie to you when i told you

that i don't like to walk alone

but of course i had other things to say that only

the sounds of my feet on the concrete could say

it's odd, the ways in which we try to impress-

"i want to tell you about this building"

"you know when this thing arrived here"

it's all some sad cry of "please love me"

and when the darkness became too much

you showed me your house and i was unsure

of what to do with you

so you just grabbed me and told me with your arms

still, our words appeared on screens, left alone

for us and the entire world to see

(i thought i knew what i was doing

and so did the rest of the world who read my words)

in that basement we made eyes at our coffee

and we made words with our awkward

i thought about your hand on the table

and i thought about mine grasping only my cup

i don't know how to talk to people

because i spent to many years talking to myself

and i told you to tell me to shut up

but you just sat and sipped and listened

hours went by, not seemingly hours

but hours that make one think that death comes

much much sooner than expected

the basement was drab, but i didn't want to go

i coaxed you with dinner:

stale bread and sold cheese

and although my sandwich looked divine

i resisted the urge to tear into it

then we went and skipped across bricks

and rambled on and on and on and on

so much so that i remember a man looking at us

and a lady smiling at our sight

we sat and heard their words, half of which

were made things in my brain

the other half were yours and yours alone

although history says that they are mine

i tried to place something to you

an arm a hand a thigh a something

but the best i could do was pretend as if

it was all an accident

when i got up to leave,

i didn't want to

but i grabbed your shoulder

as if i was never going to see you again

on my way out of the door

i tried to glance in the window

to see if i could see you

but the bench on which i stood was too short

that walk was so lonely

those three hours were so lonely

i kept glancing glancing glancing

at the clock and my phone, for you

now our words appeared on our own screens, left for us

you and i alone to see

(i maybe knew what i was doing

and maybe you knew what i was doing)

i saw your words, telling me that the hour

was something you thought was a bother to me

but (although it was and my eyes were fighting)

i gave into you and me

we sat thinking wishing sometimes hoping

closely, wishing and me (unboldly) putting

my hand on your thigh (and o how tender it was!)

though my hand still quivered

then with a smirk and a lovely glance

you could tell where my hand wanted to be

and you seized it, making yourself more Adam than i

but all in all my hand didn't care

you stretched the night out

until the morning almost broke and we were tired

and as that closing music began to play

i had so little time to become boldly me

i leaned in, leaned so far in

and my lips caught nothing but your cheek

(your dear cheek! how i still dream of it)

but could a think or dream of more?

with gentle firm hands a grabbed your head

(o how soft your face was!)

and pursed my unholy lips on yours, so rosy

and did not move, for i had nothing to lose

now our lips appeared on our own lips, mine for you

you and you alone to kiss

(though some for me, for i was the boy

who kissed you as i did)

our kiss led to kisses, kisses led to lips

lips led to cheeks and cheeks led to foreheads

and foreheads led to ears and ears to necks

and from your neck i was led down down down

the bed was cold that night, but our bodies warm

i asked you uneasily for that yes

that yes that i longed for and ached for

and you without delay gave that dear sweet yes

now our bodies appeared on our own bodies, yours for mine

and me and noone else that night

(i still wonder if i was there

or if you were there with me)

we slumbered restfully, our bodies limp

and our eyes shut down, our skin exposed

but our arms were entangled in one another's

and through the slumber we kept kissing

in the morning we rose

and (un)boldly i kissed you and you i

and we rose again, our bodies cold

once they parted from oneanother's

then right back to where we started that night:

coffee in our hands, little words on our tongues

the clothes on our backs itching and aching

and our hands and bodies unsure of what to do with themselves

we walked out into the rain, going our own ways

you stuck to me and my hands, my lips

and i remember what you told me, over and over again;\-

"don't go"

i went, but i didn't go.