Random Thoughts While Waiting for the Birth of Isabella [Part II]

II

i'm sitting now across from my sister, she takes bites

of greasy chicken broth in between contractions:

her water's broken, but Isabella is a fighter.

my other sister is here, being monitored because her inutero son

(whom i call "Matthew" even though my sister swears his name is "Aiden")

won't settle down. i told her i hate the name Aiden because

my ex-girlfriend is pregnant with a boy whom she has named Aiden.

truth be told it reminds me of you—that name you picked way back when.

i thought of you unjustly waiting. i still do.

i can finally listen to those songs that remind me of you, but now

i can't while i see my sister. those songs that remind me of you,

that remind you of her and her of nothing. i'll stick with The Autumns for now.

i see you're awake, i see you're alive. i see my sister

writing in pain, imagining how i would take it if it were me—

truth be told i probably couldn't. her fist is clenched, her head

buried in her skinny arms. she tried to go to sleep but dammit

Isabella is a fighter. the nurse comes in, something for the pain.

i hate needles, of course you know this. everyone in my family

knows this. their eyes all turn to me as my sister is about to get poked.

the nurse makes a joke about Star Wars. i have no idea what she means.

my sister's legs squirm, the syringe is taken out and my mother cannot look:

whenever my sister cringes i look at my mother, knowing that she can't stand seeing

her children in pain: my mother had the drugs and encourages my sisters

to do the same. no one in my family has a good pain tolerance

which is why i was always surpassed when you refused aspirin. the nurse is blocking my view

of the needle. if i keep my mind in this "poem," i'll be fine.

the bed creaks. her baby's father sits outside, i have not said a word to him

since he left all those months ago. i am the closest thing to a father

this little girl will ever have. "Thieves." perfect. just as i was starting to let my mind drift

away from you, the one song that puts you and you alone in my head.

damn She & Him are so catchy. my sister continues to writhe,

nearly in tears. i am the same, only i don't show it like she does.

There's thieves among us. my sister and i both know this:

he stole her chance at normal: you stole me away

and left me with this shell of a former man-in-making.

you are not to blame. my sister is crying. That won't stop me crying

over you.